Mid July 2022

Over 300 posts since Sept 2009, wow! I was scrolling through to see when I started and glanced at some of the topics, which I used to do instead of the date. I’ve covered A LOT of topics! Weight loss, health, depression, mission trips, Scripture, music, books, school, family, relationships… makes me wonder who I’ve reached over the years. I mean, the reason I started sharing “Being Real” was to express myself and not hide the struggles in hopes of freeing myself and others. Guess I’ll never know the impact on this side of Heaven…

In 2009 I was 30. So much has changed and I had no idea then where I’d be now. At least, I’m not where I imagined I’d be! But God has been amazing and has directed all my steps. Well, maybe I made my own paths a few (dozen) times, but He’s still my GPS and He guides me through wrong turns.

I’m not sure where the nostalgia vibe originated today! But thanks for joining 🙂

What’s been going on… in May I went on a service trip to Hamtramck, MI which is just outside Detroit. Met some wonderful people of different backgrounds in the town whose tagline is “The whole world in 2 square miles.” We cleaned, gardened, organized, ate, and encouraged. Not an international trip this year, but definitely outside my culture.

Came home with COVID. Yuck! It was a mild case, but still kick my butt.

In June I went to Colorado to visit some friends. Thankfully the COVID recovery was going well!! I’ve known J & M since 1999 and their daughters A & N since they were born. The family moved a few years ago and I was able to visit in Jan 2021 for a long, birthday weekend. This time I was there for 11 days!! Daughter A graduated high school and it was important to me to celebrate with them. It was super relaxing! I stayed in a timeshare 30 min from their home so I had some alone time. Which was perfectly fine with me! Between the beauty of Colorado and the refreshing time with long-time friends, I came home recharged. I met with my psychiatrist a little after I got back and he commented that my depression score was lower, making me realize just how much I needed that time away. I mean, I get away a lot and I live alone, but I usually get away for mission/service trips and when at home there are always so many things on the to-do list. Plus, the temps and scenery were much more enjoyable there! I did miss my cats A LOT though. LOL

For pictures of MI and CO, check out my other site: braggingonthelord.com

End of April 2022

It wasn’t planned or intentional, but apparently I needed a break. I don’t know if this is just a drop by or if I’m back to writing, but time will tell.

‘They’ say this comes with getting older, but the concept of time has changed so much in the past 2 years. I get to the end of the business day on Friday and think, “Wasn’t it just Monday? Where did the week go?” Heck, where did the first trimester of 2022 go?

MS news: during my annual check up with my neurologist, I might some answers about the pain I’ve been in for so long. There may be a lesion in a pain center. Yay, answer… bo, not much can be done. But, God. My MRI’s haven’t changed since 2016 – Praise the Lord! There are still residual lesions and complications, but no new activity. That’s so amazing y’all! For the pain (mostly sciatic like in my right leg and then general muscle pains), I’ll continue with physical therapy, massage, chiropractor/acupressure, stretching, etc., etc.

Related to that, I am off a couple of medications prescribed to help with RLS and pain. Neither helped, so out of the 7 pills I was on, I’m down to 1 every other night. No meds seem to work so far, which is part of why I’m pro-legalizing marijuana, but that’s a topic for another day.

I’m seeing a new doctor next week, this one for weight management. The HCG lost last year was nice, but I gained a lot of it back. A friend recommended this doctor because her daughter-in-law had amazing success with him 5 or so years ago and lost 100+ and has kept it off. Part of me wonders if he’ll have anything I haven’t attempted in my 30+ years of trying to lose weight. But it’s worth checking out. I won’t do surgery, I know this is mental and hormonal.

In other news, I leave in a week for a domestic mission trip! Going with a small team to Hamtramck, MI to help with community outreach. We’ll be there for almost a week and will be a part of church services, urban gardening, ESL classes, and learning from the culture. The population is mostly Muslim immigrants, so while I won’t leave the country, I will leave my culture a little.

Also going to CO in June to celebrate my friends’ daughter’s HS graduation. We’ve been friends since 1999 and they moved a few years ago. I’m excited to celebrate with them and get a 10-day vacation in the mountains!!

There were some updates on life. Here’s a spiritual lesson I’m learning

Many years ago, a friend of mine cautioned that I’m a chameleon. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, he was just giving me a glimpse into why I do some things and to encourage me to be mindful of who I spend my time around. Another way to put that is being an empath. I take on the vibe of a room or a conversation, and absorb the feelings of those around me. I can be energized at a party or drained in stressful meetings. I can be in one mood alone and then a totally different one depending on the atmosphere of a person or group. This happens with movies and books too. While this trait is wonderful when walking with someone in their life, it can be detrimental as well. I can take the negative as well as the positive. The ‘problem’ or ‘issue’ becomes mine and I want to help, but it’s most likely not my burden or problem to deal with. I’ve been in relationships with narcissistic people and been gaslit. I could be in a healthy conversation with someone who cares about me and acknowledge that I needed to end the bad relationship, only to be 2 minutes into the conversation and think there’s nothing wrong with the person and that my friends and family were mean and that I was crazy. Ugh, wasted years! But God has turned a lot of those bad decisions for my good; I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for His grace.

Mirroring others’ emotions can be good too. It helps me be a good friend or minister. The biggest lesson out of all this that I’m learning right now is finding who I am when no one is around. If I mirror who I’m around, what happens when I spend a lot of time alone? I can feel numb and lose track of time. But, I’m not alone! God is always with me! If I want to be more like Jesus, I can use the empathy He designed me with to take on His personality. Being an empath is a blessing when used wisely. My assignment at the moment is to determine my values and boundaries so I do not lose myself and who He made me to be.

Mid-January 2022

How is it the middle of January already?!?

It is 8:30pm, I’m drinking coffee and baking. Does tell you my state of mind?

It’s more like the state of my body, I guess. I’m grateful for the job I currently have on days like this! I don’t clock in and out but still am available during normal working hours. But tomorrow evening when I’m trying to get my rhythm closer to ‘normal’ I can catch up on things that I won’t mentally be apt to during the day. We had a three-day weekend, and I haven’t caught my rhythm since the holidays. Happens all the time because most of the holidays are in Nov-Jan. Then none until May. This year I notice it more because it’s the first not being an hourly employee in a long time.

Baking orange-cranberry-oatmeal-white chocolate chip muffins, BTW. Thinking applesauce-cinnamon-oatmeal next, probably with the last of the cranberries and chips. I have a surplus of certain ingredients and I’m tired of throwing things away because I forget about them, and they go bad.

Y’all, can I be honest with you? The Christmas season was rough this year! I never caught ‘the spirit’ and it never ‘felt like’ Christmas. Ya know? 2 years ago, my dad passed away. Christmas was his favorite and he died on Dec 26. That was 2019. We had his memorial in February of 2020, and I went to Africa early in March. Then pandemic. I recap all of that to explain how things haven’t been ‘normal’ in a long time. We’ve all experienced that lack of normal over the last 20+ months.

‘They’ say part of the grieving process is discovering your new normals. Well… very few normals are normal anymore. It’s difficult to establish new traditions when things and protocols keep changing. I can’t say we’ve done things all that different as a family the past 2 years as far as the actual family dinner on Christmas Eve, but everything around it seems off. Shopping, decorating, plays, movies, looking at lights…

Life, right? Constant series of changes that feel like constant seasons of grief.

But

God

We are created by God for eternity. Through Jesus that eternity can be spent with Him in Heaven. Knowing that brings hope. This place, this world, this body, and these grief periods are temporary and minuscule in light of that hope. It doesn’t take the immediate pain away. It doesn’t make us not mourn or not hurt or not sob. It makes me yearn for that vail to be lifted and to step into that other side.

I think I’ve said something like that in an earlier post. Either way, I don’t mean it in a suicidal sense. But when I take my eyes and my focus off myself and turn them to God, to Jesus, to Heaven, to Love, and to Hope, things here don’t seem quite as bad.

Yeah, I’m 99.99% sure I’ve written all that before in some way or another. I don’t go back and read past posts. I feel like through writing, I get a chance to get these thoughts out, and then I can move on. Well, not move on as in not still think the same or battle the same wars, but it helps me process the current moments.

Make sense?

Also, on the topic of ‘normals’: I think at times we rely on them far too much. I’m thinking in the terms of religion. I heard recently that we need to be careful that yesterday’s revivals don’t become tomorrow’s religion. Religion in the terms of rituals and rules. If we hold on too tightly to the way things are ‘supposed’ to happen, we can miss what good IS happening. When we think church has to be XYZ every time but God is doing JKL, we miss Him and church/religion/ritual becomes our idol. Don’t put Him in box, He doesn’t fit.

Those first muffins turned out fabulous! I’d share the recipe, but I don’t really follow them well enough. I make delicious things, but it can be hard to replicate them this way. Makes everything new and interesting though!

PS I’m trying Thrive Market so I can get some new and interesting ingredients sent to my home. Here’s a link to check them out! When you sign up, you get a huge discount and I could get stuff in return, so yay! click here: THRIVE MARKET

Update: Still here!

From my photojournalism site: https://braggingonthelord.com/2021/12/21/update-still-here/

Late November 2021

Since my exciting news in my last post 3 months ago, I have gained back half of what I lost. I try to look on the bright side that I’m still down and clothes fit better or are too big. The truth is I really enjoy food. I admit that it is a coping mechanism for anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. But just because I know that doesn’t make change easy, or even possible at the moment.

I was contemplating this along with other facets of life that I don’t feel in control of currently. Besides weight/eating, there’s also finances and spirituality. There are many things that branch off from these, so what’s the root?

I can say affirmations like that I’m healthy and make wise food choices, or that I’m satisfied with what I have in life and don’t need to spend money, or that I’m a person who prays constantly and frequently meditates on God. I can and do say these things to myself, all the time. Usually right before I do the opposite: eat extra calories, buy a new gadget or craft supply, or binge a TV show or 10. The point is who I want to be and who I am haven’t been the same woman in a long time.

How does one change?

The only answer is Jesus. Note I didn’t say spirituality. I can do all the religious disciplines, which aren’t necessarily bad things in and of themselves; however, all of that is me attempting to earn grace. His grace and His anointing break the binds of the stuff that hold me down. Those are free gifts from Him, I just have to accept them. I accept them by accepting Him and spending time with Him.

The root, then, seems to me to be cultivating my relationship with Him (seek His Kingdom, aka Him, first Matthew 6:33). Not going through the acts, but making efforts to acknowledge Him throughout my day. Maybe I don’t do that well, but I gotta start somewhere.

I’ve been listening to a podcast and one of the recent subjects has been Simon versus Peter. How it’s the same man, but two different aspects of his life. When he meets Jesus, he’s Simon. As he spends time with Jesus and gets to know Who He is, Jesus renames him Peter. It doesn’t mean that all of the ‘Simon’ is gone. There are times when he is addressed as one and then other. This morning the one that got me was that when he was denying Jesus and the rooster crowed, Jesus turned and looked at him and he was called Peter (Luke 22:61). I would have thought that’d been a Simon moment, but it’s like Jesus saw the Peter that would stand up in Acts 2 and testify of Him before thousands. He would later be crucified for his preaching of the Gospel.

Amazing what the power of a witnessing a Resurrection and filling of the Holy Spirit can do for a person.

Yeah, for me too! And you!

Mid-March 2021

There’s so little going on that I don’t always feel the need or desire to write. Which makes me sad, because when I’m writing I truly enjoy it.

Anyway, there’s a few things that have happened so far this year to share. I got a promotion! I’m no longer in HR, which was a much needed change. I love people and liked getting to know staff, but compassion fatigue set in last summer. I didn’t know that is what it was but I felt burnout setting in. I wasn’t even sure where that feeling was coming from but when I read the job description for my new position, as I was posting the opening, I knew this is what needed to change. The new position is in our Performance and Quality Improvement department, which essentially consist of data analysis. I am supporting a foster care program in the southwest region of our state by monitoring and reporting stats on compliance, wins, and areas for improvement. I’ve been in the position for a little over a month and am happy. The people I work with have been great too!

I don’t have any set plans for a mission trip this year, thanks to the pandemic. Returning to Costa Rica and/or Malawi are on the table though. I was able to travel in late January to Colorado. You can see pics of that on my other site (braggingonthelord.wordpress.com). I went to visit friends who I hadn’t seen in a couple years. I met them in 1999 and we’ve been really good friends since. I was in their wedding and have been a pseudo aunt to their 2 girls. I didn’t realize how much I missed our conversations! I hope to visit them again in August when I go to Colorado for my cousin’s wedding!

I sensed early in the year that there were new things coming. At some point late last year I was thinking about the parting of the Red Sea and I got this picture in my mind of the parted waters but instead of Moses standing on the shore, it was Jesus. He had His hand out to me in invitation and with a twinkle in His eye He asked me to come on an adventure with Him. Since then it has felt like I’m on the shore in wet sand, my feet slipping, waves crashing against me as I struggle to get to Him. But yet I know He’s with me now, holding me up, and encouraging me to trust Him and keep going. It feels so hard to endure, I’m physically and emotionally spent, and thoughts of quitting crash at me like strong waves. There’s just enough tenacity in me to fight though. My hand gripping His so hard and leaning against Him in exhaustion, I keep putting one foot in front of another. His strength and compassion radiating into me and drawing me closer. That dry land where the waters part is only a few steps ahead, and while I have little knowledge of what that adventure entails, it gives me hope that the battle to get there will pale in comparison to the things He has in mind.

I take His hand, so strong yet so tender, and look in His eyes. Blazing with a fire so intense, not of anger but of passion. Passion for me. Love so consuming that He left Heaven, lived as a frail human and died on a cross for my sins, yet raised again in victory!

Mid December 2020

Hi! It’s getting towards the end of the year, so I thought I should check in!

Exhausted is the general status. The sciatica pain is draining. I heard someone say recently that a 4 on the pain chart is not normal, 0 is. Lately it seems like 5-7 is my normal. Complaining about it doesn’t help, just setting a foundation or backdrop for the story of 2020. There’s wonderful new, however! After 6 steroid injections over the past year, PT, stretching, rest, ice, heat, massage, chiropractor, neurologist, neurosurgeon, pain meds, and constant prayers… I might have finally arrived at some answers! I was looking for an acupuncturist/chiropractor in my network, and stumbled upon a local clinic. The head doctor has been in practice for 44 years! After watching his video and meeting with him, I learned a lot. He talks a lot too, but is just trying to share so much knowledge! Long and short of it, we’re doing acupressure and cool packs to loosen up and calm down inflammation in the muscles in my lower back/sciatic area. I’ve been in 4 or 5 times and there’s a sliver of relief! When you’re chronic pain is at a 5-7, a sliver is life changing! Mix that with hope, and I feel like I have a new life! Insurance covering this and all the homeopathic options at the clinic is just the icing on the cake! And the doctor is a believer, so cherry on top!!

Speaking of icing, cake, and such… the pandemic has added ~30 pounds to my life, how about you? It’s a chicken and egg scenario though. Lack of movement – pain – emotional/boredom eating – try to move more resulting in more pain – general depression of pandemic lifestyle. I’m not sure where it all started, but I know it has to stop. I might not have a lot of control over a lot of circumstances right now, but I canto make the choice to eat well and get some movement in everyday. I need to move my focus off of where I’ve been and press forward. Not only looking back at the pain and complacency, but also at all the “I used to be able to…” memories. 5k’s, 10k’s, lifting, squatting, etc. They all need to be lessons learned but I need new goals now.

Still formulating those goals! Weight loss, obviously, but maybe that’s more of a consequence rather than a goal. Walking a mile would be nice, a 1/4 mile right now is difficult. Reducing sugar and convenience food consumption because sugar is a pain trigger and getting healthy starts in the kitchen.

Finances… a whole other pain in my life! I thought of going back to school for something “easy” to paused the student loan payments, but I’ve tried this path before. Let’s not keep up the insanity! I was, finally, able to get my budget back in the black for 2021, unfortunately it means removing all extras. Extras like getting my hair and nails done, and other self-care activities. But, it’ll keep a roof over my head. I’ve done a couple photo shoots recently and trying to sell some art, which helps some.

Other good things going on… work is busy! Mental health care is essential, so we’re not going anywhere. We’ve been hiring like crazy and the agency is coming out of 2020 doing well. Church is good, we’re actually seeing more people join us in person and online. I’m really liking setting up the presentation slides and running all that every week. Even though I’m home a lot more these days, my cats have definitely not tired of it, still snuggly as ever.

Christmas is this week! May yours be Merry and Bright! Even as the world grows darker and scarier, the One whose birth we celebrate, is still alive and on the Throne. He loves us so much, even in birth as a baby and death as a criminal. The Resurrection, it’s not just for Easter!

“I celebrate the day, That You were born to die, So I could one day pray for You to save my life” – Relient K’s I Celebrate the Day

Early September 2020

Announcement! I started another blog! It’s not for writing though, it’s photojournalism! I’m pretty excited to share pictures that showcase things I’ve witnessed God doing. There are posts about different mission trips, vacations, and nature. The site is for me to share the little moments that I’ve had the privilege of capturing. The link is braggingonthelord.wordpress.com. Enjoy!

Besides that, I’m just hanging in there. Exhausted generally though. I’m an empath, so all the chaos, stress, and unrest in the world is wearing on me. I’m full of hope in God through Christ, but still empathize with everyone that times are crazy. I’m trying to step back from social media some and pray and read the Bible more, but the news is all around. Months ago, back in Malawi actually, God drew me to Philippians 4:8, specifically about setting my attention on things that are true. Truth also means reality. What is reality? God is on His throne, Christ defeated the enemy, I am a child of God through Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection, and when I die, I get to be with Him for eternity. Focusing on these truths, on these realities, switches my focus and lightens my burden. It changes the burden to wanting to love people and letting God use me however He sees fit.

My main struggle right now is pain. Physical and constant. We (doctors & I) have thought it was sciatic pain, but after 6 steroid injections and misc. other treatments, my pain doctor looked at me this week and said he just didn’t know what was wrong. We talked about my symptoms some more and his hypothesis is that it’s not actually being causes by my lower back. That there’s something blocking communication between my brain and my leg, and that something is in my upper back or neck. New MRI’s are scheduled for Sept 15 to see if it is compression or an MS lesion. I haven’t had new MS trouble in ages, my last MRI’s earlier this year didn’t show any activity. But these new ones are for different parts of my spine. Lord, please give us answers!

Overall, I’m just drained. Emotionally and physically exhausted. Spiritually tired, but only from trying to handle everything in my own strength. There are a lot of good things happening now too, don’t get me wrong! We’re feeding hundreds of people through a food distribution at my church, which is part of a larger effort in my city that is feeding thousands of people every month. The photojournalism site is an existing new adventure for me, and I am exploring ways to do more photography. I’m going to start doing photo sessions to earn some side cash as well. Message me if you’d like more info on that.

The cats have realized that I’m sitting and using the laptop, so they are vying for my attention. Talk to you again soon!

Mid June 2020

I process best through writing. That even applies to my prayers. I know God knows my heart, my thoughts, my needs & wants. However, expressing them so that my brain can understand them usually writing. So, here I am.

Last week I prayed about my next steps in life. I was asking God to show me how I can best flesh out the things that He has placed in my life. How can I show His love to others through how He loves me? How did He design me to glorify Him? What passions and strengths are in me and what can I do to get fulfillment?

I got an answer. At least the beginning of one.

Photojournalism. See, I truly enjoy photography and capturing memories. I also love being somewhere, near or far, and witnessing or taking part in what God is doing. I want to share those moments or events with people and brag on God. I believe what is going on in Malawi, Africa has an impact on what is going on in St. Louis or LA or Japan or Austria. One of my strengths is empathy. I believe that experiencing other cultures, again near or far, expands one’s heart and understanding of people who are different from them, and that can develop into compassion. I know that understanding the motivation behind another person’s actions, about their past or culture or education or current living situation, makes them more human and relatable. People do bad things; I do not deny that. But, why?

OK, off track. I also really enjoying writing. Not only does it give me the chance to share my story, but I could use it to share what God is doing all over the world. I don’t currently share pics or report on about other people much. But what if I started another blog site where I do? So, when I go to Africa or the local park, I can share with the world what God is doing.

2 verses come to mind:

Proverb 25:25 (NASB) “Like cold water to a weary soul, so is good news from a distant land.”

Isaiah 52:7 (ESV) “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns.’”

More to come soon as I get more direction. But, I’m excited to share (more)!

Mid-May 2020

What brings me joy and fulfillment? Strip everything away, the busyness, the validation, the praise, and the comfort, what is at the foundation?

I’m on a quest to discover that. My foundation is Christ and the absolute Truth of the Bible, in the end of it all, those are the things that are eternal. I’m not really talking about that foundation though. I’m after how He has designed me to live out that Truth. What brings me the utmost joy is His love and sharing that with others. But He is a Creator, 8 billion people on Earth and each one of us is different/unique. What has He designed me to do to bring glory to His name and how has He wired me to draw people to Him?

What I do know: I really enjoy photography. Not posed pictures, but candid and in the moment shots of memories. I really enjoy one-on-one conversations when I can help a person know they are seen and heard, that their voice and story matter in the world. I love sharing thoughts, prayers, Scripture, truths with people and without knowing it, speak directly to their situation and encourage them. I like sharing different perspectives and igniting empathy in people – helping them see outside of themselves and their experiences. I love travel and seeing all the magnificent things, places, and people that God has created. I love bragging on God and what He is doing around the world.

I don’t need a degree for these things. I don’t need to be licensed to do these things. Do those hurt? Not necessarily. They are things I enjoy though. Maybe they’ll open doors at some point.

I get a kick out of writing. Not research papers generally, but here on this blog. Sitting at my laptop and just sharing thoughts and struggles, and victories.

I can and have preached and taught large groups, and don’t mind doing so. The prep work for doing that is stretching and strengthening in my faith and confidence. I have prayed with and interceded for people on multitudes of occasions.

My flavor of ‘missions’ is different than what a lot of people know. Maybe ‘missionary’ isn’t the correct term, but it’s the best I’ve got right now.

I am unique. How my calling fleshes out is unique. Maybe I’m not for every team or situation, but I know God leads me and has designed me to fit exactly where and when He wants me.

I’m just wanting to know what that looks like in this season of my life.