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Mid-July 2017

Hi y’all! Hope you are all enjoying your summer. So far, my MS symptoms haven’t been a problem, even though it’s been pretty hot here in STL. I’ve even gone on walks outside and not had problems! Praise the Lord!

I have been sleeping a lot on weekends though. Not sure if it’s MS fatigue or if I’m just not sleeping well during the week and am trying to catch up. I’m trying to wear my CPAP every night, which really helps. No, I haven’t been wearing it faithfully for a while, but I’m changing that! Slept a lot this weekend, mostly due to (I think) allergies, which lead to sinus pain, which leads to toothaches. Ibuprofen is my friend!

Earned an A in my last class! Now my GPA is 3.22 🙂 Taking 2 classes right now, a bit overwhelming. But I’ll make it. One class I’m retaking because I earned a D in it the first time. Some of the work I’ve already done, so that helps, but they changed a lot of the format.  Which actually makes it a little easier this time around.

Saw my PCP and GYNO recently. All pretty good, just focusing on losing weight, as usual. Which has been happening, just slowly. I’ve lost inches, but the scale isn’t moving too much. But some of my clothes are getting too big, so that’s a good thing! Still working out with the trainer and loving it! Anyway, we’re also watching my BP, it might be getting too low. Could that be causing some of the sleepiness? Maybe, I guess. My PCP also mentioned getting an ablation, which I’m not sure I’m quite ready for. I don’t plan on having kids, but that seems a little invasive. We’ll see, if things in that area don’t improve, it might be an option, I’ll have to talk with my GYNO. Nothing too scary, but probably a little TMI for here already!!

So, dad’s OK. Mom’s OK. Hard to watch your parents age though. Mom had a little scare the other day, but she’s good. Dad’s at home at least.

Work’s OK. Some days are super busy and drain my brain power. Still love my job, just a lot going on – a lot of hiring, which that’s my main area.

Ever mess up something in your life and think you’ll never get back to where you were? I know, kinda vague, bear with me. I know God is like a GPS, He has a destination set for us, and even if we take a wrong turn, He can still get us there. I’ve probably shared that before, not an original thought, but a comforting one. I just think I went down a path that I shouldn’t have and feel like I lost a lot of ground. Ground in my friendships, leadership, walk with God, reputation, etc. I’m feeling condemned, which isn’t from God and I know that. I just, I don’t know, wish things were different. I know He’s forgiven me because I’ve repented and all, but there’s still the regret and remorse. Guess maybe I’m mourning the mistakes I’ve made?

But that’s all in the past and I need to look forward. He has amazing things in store for me, and I want to follow hard after Him. Whatever and wherever that may entail. I’m excited for my future and His plans for me. I know that last paragraph might sound otherwise, I was just lamenting. Things are getting back on track and I’ll be OK.

Thanks for sticking with me through my (sometimes mis-)adventures!

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September 2016 #2

Met with my trainer yesterday and we did a monthly assessment of my progress. I’m doing well on training and cardio, but not so well with diet/nutrition. So, overhaul in process. I feel stronger, but not dropping weight or inches, so this has to be the missing piece of the puzzle. Even though I’ve been logging calories for 6 1/2 years (!), it’s time to get back to weighing and measuring everything, in order to re calibrate my ‘eyeballing it’. Daunting, but exciting to see where this will take me.

I think I’ve got a handle on the emotional eating issue. Most of my problem is eating out and convenience foods. Going to try more meal prep early in the week and limit eating out to just Sundays after church. Hopefully we’ll see more progress in the numbers at the beginning of October!

Shameless plug… I had a Park Land Jewelry party last Saturday, if you interested in shopping/ordering anything, here’s the link to my party (orders due in Friday morning 9/9/16): click HERE

I haven’t talked about Mike in a while. I don’t know, just seems like I talked about our relationship a bit too much early on. Basically, we’re dating. Nothing serious, and we’re not planning on getting married. I know that’s a huge turn-around from last year, but I really don’t know if I’ll ever get married. We have a few theological issues that we differ on still, issues that neither of us are going to budge on, and that’s OK. We still enjoy each others company, and maybe we should just be friends. I really don’t know the answers. What’s the point of dating if we’re not going to get married, especially at our ages? Companionship for one. But are we holding the other back from anything? Maybe. Pray along with me/us for wisdom. Thanks.

What else… still looking for a job. Just contacted another recruiting agency to see if they have anything. Waiting to hear back from them to set up an interview. There are jobs out there, it’s just hard to find the right one. God has a plan, He always does, but I miss the comfort of my old job though. Change can be good, but isn’t always fun!

A lot going on in my head, but nothing else that I can put into words. So much, but nothing at all, ya know what I mean?

On that note, I best stop writing or I’ll start rambling! Talk to you again soon 🙂

September 2016

I love fall! I know it’s still summer, but September means fall is almost here 🙂 I much prefer Fall temps, colors, smells, clothes, etc. I’m not really a fan of Halloween though, but to each their own. Hard to believe it’s already September, though, right? I mean, Christmas is just around the corner! Yay!

Job front – signed up with a temp agency last week. I’m not wanting to do temp work, but looking for temp – to – perm positions. With the end of the year sneaking up on us, I need to keep in mind health insurance issues. I’m on COBRA right now, but that probably won’t make sense Jan 1st when the deductibles start over. Hopefully, I can get started somewhere soon. Keep me in your prayers! Thanks!

Went with my dad to his MS check up yesterday. I hate this disease! My case isn’t so bad, but it’s hitting him a lot harder. I really hope they find a cure soon. Speaking of, even though I’ve been working out more and walking outside when it’s been warm and humid, I’m doing pretty well. Again, another reason I love Fall – walking outside without all the humidity in St Louis.

I’m coping with the depression. Talking about it last month helped some. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I just feel down. I’m hanging in there and not doing too bad, I just know things aren’t right sometimes.

Started a class on the book of Romans this week. Good study material, but a little intimidated by the 10-15 page research paper due in 7 weeks! It’s an upper level class, so it’s to be expected, but I’ve told you before how much I dislike writing papers. I just have to not put this off, like I usually do! Also on the school note, I should finish my studies at the end of next year, which means my graduation will be May 19, 2018!

Well, I gotta get ready for my workout with my trainer. It’s still going well, by the way. I’m starting to notice muscles and stamina growing, so that’s awesome!

Alright, take care and take to you again soon!

 

August 2016

Been a trying month.

Have really missed Fitz. It was a month ago yesterday that I put him down. I’m starting to get used to him not being here though, and that makes me sad again. I’m not ready for a new one yet though. I got a tattoo of his paw print with an orange heart around it. If you’re not a tattoo fan or animal lover that might sound crazy, but I’m a lover of both so it works for me.

No luck on the job searching yet. Considering a temp agency or something just to get out there again. Almost been 2 months. The severance pay is still there, but I can’t rely on that forever.

Behind in school a little. Ended up getting a D in my last class, so it didn’t count towards graduation, but did against my GPA. I’ll have to retake the class soon. At least it sound be a little easy since I’ve done some of it already.

On that note, I probably won’t be going on a mission trip, or any trips for that matter, next year. I have to let a few things go in order to focus on school and a new job. I’ll be in my final year, so I’ll have upper-level work to keep up with. Scary, yet exciting. Plus, who knows what the next vacation package will look like.

I don’t know if the depression is trying to show up again, if I’m just down because of Fitz and work and school, or I’m just unmotivated to do anything. I’ve also had a couple of panic attacks lately too. It’s so like the waves I talked about a while back. As soon as you think you’ve got your footing again, another wave knocks you off-balance. I wish I could say I was just in a funk and a couple of hugs would make me feel better, but it’s deeper than that. Depression and anxiety are hard things to explain to others who’ve never experienced them. People worry about you and part of you doesn’t want to burden them or you don’t want them to see you as weak or searching for a pity party.

In the meantime, I search job sites, work out, try to keep the apartment clean, read a lot, and study. I do the things I have too, and occasionally have a little fun.

Mid-July 2016

Hi everyone. I know it’s been awhile, but things have been rough.

Let me explain…

So my last day at the plant was June 24th. I spent most of the next couple weeks attempting to get caught up in my homework. Didn’t do too well. Haven’t received my final grade, but right now we’re looking at a D. I think that means I’ll have to retake the class. Which might push graduation out to the middle of 2018 instead of the end of 2017. We’ll see though. I might be able to double up with this class and another since it would be my 2nd attempt and would know the coursework already.

Currently taking Marriage and Family Counseling. So far so good.

I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer. Loving it so far. Down a few pounds and starting to feel stronger. Doing things I never thought I would, which is a good and exciting thing. My trainer is pretty cool too, he lost 100 pounds and is a Christian. So he kinda gets where I’m coming from.

Job searching pretty much sucks. Had 1 interview so far and it just wasn’t a good fit. Got my resume out to a few other places, but no call backs yet. God has something for me, I know, just waiting to see which door opens.

So, here’s the worst news… I had to put my kitty down. Fitz had been suffering from cancer and it was just getting worse. I choose to do it a few days ago before he suffered anymore. He went peacefully and I sobbed. I miss him a lot and still look for him around the apartment. I was able to get a paw print before it happened, so I think I know what my next tattoo will be. But he was y fur-baby and I will miss him and his snuggles.

Not much else going on. Trying to keep busy living off the severance pay.

Late March 2016 #stress

I am so stressed out right now. Like I know I’d feel better if I could just cry, but I’m dry. In times like this, I should feel more drawn to seek out God. But I’m not. I feel it’s just an obligation to read my bible and pray, but there’s no heart in it.

I’m stressed about my cat, who might have cancer. He had major surgery a couple of days ago and he’s miserable now. And it cost a lot of money. Did I make a mistake in putting him through this?

I’m stressed about the mission trip to Japan. I had money in my savings for it, but spent a lot of it on my kitty. I’m still holding out hope for more donations, but it’s hard to believe it’ll come in.

I’m stressed about the Perspectives class. I’m totally enjoying what we’re learning, but there’s homework that I need to do for it and a project I haven’t even started on.

I’m stressed about my friends that are fighting different diseases. How much it’s costing them and the pain they are in.

I’m stressed about school. I’m supposed to be going, right? I want to be a Christian counselor, don’t I? But am I just spending too much time, energy, and money on the degree?

I’m stressed about my dad. Will his health continue to get worse? What about mine for that matter?

I’m stressed about work. Our market is down and we don’t have a lot of material to run. How long can we go on like this?

I’m stressed about the alarm system at my old house. The company won’t let me out of my contract even though I can’t move the system to my apartment. So I have to continue to pay them until June of 2018.

I’m stressed about the 5k I signed up for in a couple of weeks. I haven’t been able to train very much.

I’m stressed because I never feel like I’m doing things well enough. Could I be doing more in ‘xyz’ area(s) of my life? Should I be doing less?

But… the Lord is still in charge and is working everything out. He has plans for me. Good plans.

Just wish I could hear His voice better. I wish I had a hunger for the Word and not just overwhelming feeling of just having to read it because it’s that ‘right’ thing to do.

Not trying to throw a pity party here, sorry. Just helps if I talk about it, ya know?

Mid March 2016

Two posts in one month, wow, I haven’t done that in a while, huh?

At the beginning of the month I was getting a MRI and had my first panic attack in one. We only got 15 or so minutes into it and I couldn’t handle it anymore. My doctor prescribed a sedative and we were able to complete the test the following week. I’ve been getting MRI’s for 9 years, and this was a first. But I felt so good and productive for the 24 hours after taking the anti-anxiety sedative that I’m going to talk to my other doctor about prescribing an anti-anxiety med for me. I’ve been having small panic attacks lately. I think partly because I’ve just go too much on my plate and mind. I hope not to have to take it all the time, but especially during finals weeks and stuff.

Finished that English class, but don’t have my grade yet. I’ll be happy with a C considering how poorly I did with the reports, but we’ll see. I start a counseling class on Monday, looking forward to that. Currently on Spring Break, which I’m spending trying to get caught up on other stuff.

Something I had to do this week was take my kitty to the vet. He might have cancer :(. He’s got sores on his front right leg and chest and a mass behind the one in his ‘arm pit’. The vet took blood and we’re scheduled for surgery next Tuesday. This is hard. Fitz will be 10 at the end of this month, so I’ve had him for about 9 1/2 years. I love that little guy, I pray he’s going to be OK.

I’ve raised and saved enough to buy my airfare to Japan! Still need a little more for ground expenses though, but not worried. It’ll come in when I need it, God is faithful. I’m very much looking forward to this trip!

What else… dad’s hanging in there. That’s just a rough situation too.

My parents’ 40th wedding anniversary is coming up in May. Oh, there will be a party! Given the past year and all the health issues, we need to celebrate this.

I’m still loving the Perspectives class. Learning so much about missions – their history, pioneers, and where we stand on fulfilling the Great Commission. I’m praying and thinking about living on the ‘mission field’ someday in the next few years. Probably for 6 months to a year. It’ll have to wait until school is complete (Bachelor’s degree anyway) and I pay off the student loans. I’m leaning towards the French-speaking nations of West Africa, but since it’s so far out there time wise, I’m not making any real plans yet. No, I don’t know what this’ll mean for my job or anything else yet. Like I said, I’m not making any plans, just praying, and dreaming.

I am, in the meantime, going to go through the French Rosetta Stone program. Already bought it, at a good discount too! Hope to start that soon, you know, because I don’t have enough going on!

Work’s been slow, but there’s been a tiny bit of a pick up. We had to ‘down size’ last week and let 4 people go. A little scary, but in my 15 years here, it’s not the first time. It’ll bounce back, soon hopefully.

Something I haven’t talked about in a while is Mike. We’re still dating. I wouldn’t call us ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ but we’re close. No plans on getting married or anything like I was talking about last year. I enjoy his company and still love him, but I know I’m not ready to get serious anymore. He’s OK with where we are too. Which, I guess sounds vague and this explanation probably is, but it’s working for us.

Anyway, just felt like talking for a while. Hope you all are doing well.